1. Find Abou Diaby
Heâ€™s gone missing. Injurepol have been alerted but there is still no sign of our no-minutes-on-the-pitch midfielder. If spotted, feel free to approach him. Heâ€™s completely harmless.
2. Avoid what Denilsonâ€™s been drinking
Six appearances for Sao Paolo, three red cards. Thatâ€™s some work. One can only speculate what it was that has unleashed the beast in Denilson, but heâ€™s gone all Razor Ruddock on us. Topping it all off, the man whose chirpy â€˜Bom Dias a Todosâ€™ pipes out on Twitter at the same time every day seems to be scrapping online with his own fans too. On balance, I think heâ€™s best off where he is for now.
3. Buy some WD-40 for this
4. Invert the league table
Sixth is not bad. Plenty to work on – I think we can catch Bolton.
5. Make your own meal deal
Missing the authentic matchday experience? Make yourself a slice of pizza, pour yourself a pint of Carlsberg into a plastic glass and charge yourself Â£9.
(Apologies for this, but I’m a bit bored and a bit unemployed at the moment).