1. Find Abou Diaby
He’s gone missing. Injurepol have been alerted but there is still no sign of our no-minutes-on-the-pitch midfielder. If spotted, feel free to approach him. He’s completely harmless.
2. Avoid what Denilson’s been drinking
Six appearances for Sao Paolo, three red cards. That’s some work. One can only speculate what it was that has unleashed the beast in Denilson, but he’s gone all Razor Ruddock on us. Topping it all off, the man whose chirpy ‘Bom Dias a Todos’ pipes out on Twitter at the same time every day seems to be scrapping online with his own fans too. On balance, I think he’s best off where he is for now.
3. Buy some WD-40 for this
4. Invert the league table
Sixth is not bad. Plenty to work on – I think we can catch Bolton.
5. Make your own meal deal
Missing the authentic matchday experience? Make yourself a slice of pizza, pour yourself a pint of Carlsberg into a plastic glass and charge yourself £9.
(Apologies for this, but I’m a bit bored and a bit unemployed at the moment).